Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Randomize
