My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
