i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
