I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
