I cannot find my penis.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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