I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
