Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
