Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
