how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
