Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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