1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
