I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
