Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
