mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
