my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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