I murdered the dance floor call the cops
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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