I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
