I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
