What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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