If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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