Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
