Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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