I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
not ubering you a puppy
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
