Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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