Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
they're like a gay fantastic four
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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