I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
