I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
