Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
