O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
