Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
