you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
