i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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