My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
