did you get engaged???
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
