Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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