she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
