I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
