Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
