you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I want her autograph on my taint
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You were trust falling into bushes
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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