The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
