this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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