Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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