i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
