Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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