I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
