Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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