I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
