I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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