Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
