Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
