Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
