wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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