please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
